What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 00:44
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
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So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But ive been too sick for many years..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
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My life is so biszare .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
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As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
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Was to survive, this bastard.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She loved him until the end.
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He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
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The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He resisted the act ,that day.
And i lived it daily.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
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The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
So, i spoilt her more .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
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Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
It was going to be , some day.
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This is soul school!.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Why does my private parts itch so much during certain periods?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I have no regrets .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
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But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But it wasn’t much.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I was 9 years of age.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I think the readers, may guess!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Especially a lifetime of it.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I was scared of men, in general
When she asked me how she looked .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
(And it was in our own minds.)
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
One cannot live in the past .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Put me off passion for life!!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
She married twice! .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I was very sick at this time too.
Ive learnt so much.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Im still living with it.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Who then, do I blame.?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But, we were locked up after school.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I write beautiful poetry .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She found it foreign!.
Would this be the day?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
All the time i was locked up.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
So whats the point in blame.
Comes on , in middle age.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Why did i forgive my father ?
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I was seconnd youngest,
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
What did i know ?
My family never makes their pension either.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I said to her
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I don,t even have a pension.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I could never make a relationship work though!
She was in good health!
I never cut or harmed myself..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
We all went to grammer schools
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I waited trembling.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He knew the spot.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She wouldn,t have been !
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I will be 64.
We were not on the streets..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.